It's been 19 years

It's hard to believe that it has been 19 years since my brain surgery, 19 years since my life was completely turned upside down and my world as I knew it ended. 19 years since I said goodbye to the person I was, only to say hello to the person that was left a few weeks later. You would think that it would get easier and I guess it does in some aspects, but every year it just hits me differently and this year it's just been more daunting, more emotional, and overwhelming as this day has approached. I can't really explain why except that the last year and a half has probably been one of the hardest personal struggles since that time. I have had a harder time dealing with some of these issues , I've been more frustrated with myself, my inner voice, my determination and abilities over the last 18-19 months than I have over the last 19 years. I often say we make a choice each day on how we feel, no one else gets to make that choice for us and I honestly make a choice each and every day. I have to. I write each night in my gratitude journal to help me stay focused on the good of that day and not let myself wallow in what did not go my way, even if it is as simple as being thankful for my bed to rest in that night. Because no matter what has gone on, I am SO thankful for every day that I have had here on earth the last 19 years.
Tonight I choose to focus on the fact that I am here, alive and well. I am married to a man who loves me and is by my side each day. I have been able to watch my son grow up to be a husband and father himself, which 19 years ago I did not believe I was going to get to see. Another who is married with one kiddo and another on the way, a house that we feel like we are finally at home in. I am surrounded by blessings each and every day. Tonight I just sit and remind myself of those blessing.
I don't share this for anyone to feel sorry for me, please don't. I don't live with regret, blame my past or my struggles. When those thoughts creep into my mind I know that is the devil’s doing and he would gladly watch me self-destruct. I do share because I have many, many friends who have had TBI's (Traumatic Brain Injury), who have fought depression, who have felt they were the only one and who need to know they are not alone. On the days when I just don’t feel like I can or I don’t want to push forward, the days where I am confused or terrified; I remember a couple of things. There is a purpose for my life, God did not put me on this earth without purpose or save me 19 years ago to not have some kind of impact on this world. I am a daughter of the King, he knows every hair on my head and I know he has a purpose for me. I lived to see Michael become a man - 19 years ago, that is all I asked for, I am blessed and I am a survivor. I choose to be happy, I choose to look at the positive in all I can, I choose joy!

This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Psalm 91:2

Write your own story

My mind has been working overtime for a while now listening to people around me, family, friends, and strangers too. I see posts, hear conversation, memes and t.v. interviews and I am amazed at the blame.

It's so easy to place blame isn't it? I know that if we tried, and it would not be hard, we could even get others to join in our rally cry of blame. I could have blamed others for life, my situation, my mood and unhappiness. I could have told myself it was them, not me and blamed my past, my childhood, my health, or my brain surgery. I am sure if I stayed in the mindset and that life I could have many come attend my party of blame and even tell me how right I was. At that party I could have had people tell me that I deserved more because I worked hard, I was a single mom, or I was a victim. I deserved because they had more and didn't struggle like I did. "They" didn't know the struggle of someone in my situation and how hard it was, or how unfair life was. It's so easy to take the road so well traveled, to take the easier route and join the ranks of "it's not fair."

Miserable people focus on what has gone wrong in their life and what they hate about their life. Happy people focus on what they love about their life. SO what changed for me, what can change for you? I made a decision. I made a decision to work as hard as I could AND go to school. I made a decision to humble myself and ask for help. I made the decision that if I couldn't give my son what I felt he deserved he would be around people who loved him, made him feel special and celebrated. I made a decision after some health set backs to do and be my best. I made a decision to open my mind to the possibility of a different life, a life where I was not a victim, but a victor. There are many moments in our life and we can string those moments together and relish the memories or we can wallow in the moments and amplify the misery.

Frankly, I do deserve more. It is not because someone else has more and should share. I deserve more because I chose not to settle. I made the sacrifices to get the education, I made the sacrifice to spend 30 minutes a day working on me, I made the sacrifice to spend my evenings or my Saturday in a learning environment vs on my couch in front of the t.v. complaining about how unfair it is that I don't have....

We have a choice to be bitter or to be better. I want to be a little bit better each and every day. I make a decision every, single, day to be happy. I have had setbacks, I have had my moments, life is fragile after all, but I don't stay there. I choose not to let the actions of others affect me because their actions are not about me, it's about them. I choose to not react or get mad or look through angry eyes because I don't want to give someone that control in my life. I don't want a piece of someone else's pie because theirs is so big and they don't possibly need it all. I want my own pie! We have choices in our life, it's time we start living our lives and writing our own stories.

Our Family Tree

Angel Oak Tree

This weekend we said goodbye to a very important person in our lives, Annalee Johnson. She meant the world to me, I loved her gentleness, her kindness, her grace and I was always in awe of her. I am forever grateful for her, she was instrumental in keeping our family together. You see we are the epitome of a "step" (for lack of a better word) family that works. Why? Because the adults in our lives wanted it to and without her it would never have happened.
As I struggled over the last few weeks, knowing her life was coming to an end, I realized she, Floyd, her husband, my mother-in-law and our Aunt Lettie, are the last of the older generation in our family that we grew up with. I have sat and had time time to reflect on our family, sometimes in the solitude of my own thoughts, sometimes in sharing with others and other times with another sister, though not my own. I have been extremely blessed to have a few strong godly women in my life, who were the essence of grace, dignity and lived in faith daily, Ann was one of them. She welcomed my sisters and I into her family, arms opened wide, always a hug and smile when we walked through her door. You see we were there to pick up our brother and sister and she was always there to welcome us in. We grew up without the struggle and the tug-of-war to spend time with our older brother and sister. My dad was able to go and get them every chance he could, it was part of our life. We may not have always realized it when we were young, but boy did I realize it when I had my own. As I grew older I learned to appreciate the gift she gave us. 

Ann meant so much to so many people, wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, caregiver, sister, teacher, friend. When I called, which was not as often as often as I should have, just to check on her and Floyd, she always asked about my parents, my sisters and their families too. When we dropped in for holidays unexpectedly she always greeted us with a hug and a smile. It doesn't even end with my brother and sister, but with their brothers, sister and families too. We have had some great times and all of us sharing in her love. She was love. She was much like my Grandma Geema, who taught me to live in faith, to love fiercely and that no matter what, you can come out on top, if you choose to. Geema could have been defined by the tragedy in her life and angry at her circumstances, but instead she taught me faith, love, kindness and grace. Growing up we never had to chose which house to go to, which grandparents to see, we were SO blessed to have a family that chose a different way. My maternal grandparents, went with us on Christmas Eve to our paternal grandparents' house and sometimes aunts and uncles too. Easter and other holidays were filled with whoever could join us, it didn't matter what 'side'. As we grew up and had families of our own, my mom made the decision to bow out and have family Christmas early every year so we didn't have the pull of going to so many houses over the holiday's. Our in-laws were always welcome, my mother-in-law never spent a holiday alone, she was either with one of her other kids or she was with us at my parents home. That is how it should be. Family together, without the fight, without the power struggle, never a game. It is how I was raised, it is how we continue to this day. We have more grandparents and family that isn't biologically related then I can even begin to say and yet an outsider would never know. We are just family and I am grateful. I think that because of so many people in my life like Ann, Grandma Geema, Grandpa Judy, Aunt Vera and many more, they are a part of the reason family is so important to me. You see only one of them is actually biologically related to me. It is at the core of who I am, they bring me life, they bring me joy. It's why a piece of my heart and soul is missing with Michael and his family so far away. It took months for me to recover and try to find joy again when he left for Basic training and it wasn't even my first rodeo. I am there for our family, because it's who I am, they are a part of me. I do whatever it is that needs to be done and no I do not expect anything in return. You see, if you expect something in return, then it becomes an agenda, it becomes ticket punching or tit-for-tat. That isn't how it should be, that isn't what family is about. It's about sharing the good, the bad and the ugly times too. It is the birthday's and the night out, the holidays and the cup of coffee or just a simple meal. It's all of it, not just occasions. It's not perfect, it's not without its ups and its down, but it is worth it. It's family. We have those in our life, who would do anything, drop everything to just be with me, with us and not expect one thing it return. How lucky am I to have people like that in my life? When you have someone who you call or text and you know they are going to be there on the other end. The ones who really do answer your calls or your text and those who do not forget to call you back. They recognize the need in your voice and make a 2 hour journey just to have lunch. Isn't is beautiful to know that you have someone in your life that is there for you no matter what. I love that my friends love my husband just as I do and he is so generous and welcomes them, and all their kids, in. It never mattered that we didn't have the best of whatever, a big house, or the circumstances of our life, it only mattered that our door was open and we greeted them with a hug and a smile. That is family, they are the leaves of my tree branch of this old family tree.  

 The tree above is located in South Carolina, generations old, it's trunk winds around and it's roots give it strength. It has stood through many storms, hundreds of years old and brings joy to many families today. When I think of our family and friends I think of an old tree such as the Angel Tree. Please don't think it's been perfect, that isn't my message here, it's been stormy, weathered, loved, cared for, splintered and pruned. We have weathered so many storms, it has many, many branches, all twisted together and off in many directions. The trunk so strong and winding because of these great families who decided to do it differently. I miss my Geema more than words can say and I will miss Ann in that same way. I only pray that I can be half the woman that the two of them were, that I can be an example of God's unending love and make you two proud. I know you two are watching over us all. I love you and we will miss you.

I Corinthians 13:13
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Hello 2016

Can you believe it?  Here we are, another year has passed, it FLEW by in fact!  So much changed for us in 2015, it has been both the worst year and the best year of my life. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I may highlight a few.  For half the year my routine and fitness really had taken shape and I was feeling great, fit and strong; and then something changed, I lost myself, my drive, my focus, too much was going on at one time and I had to let go.  It was hard, it was not easy, but it was necessary or I was going to lose me.

We began the year looking for a new house, again.  I honestly was not looking forward to it as we had tried and failed twice before.  We set out, went through some okay homes, but mostly they were plain awful.  Neither of us were having any fun and we were both frustrated, in the end I gave up.  I asked my hubby to find us an apartment in a new area and we would try again in the next year and that is exactly what we did.  He found us a 3 bedroom apartment, close to work and shopping, closer to family and quite expensive.  We hired movers, packed boxes and set our date.  Hubby went to do the walkthrough while I was at work, our movers cancelled and it was further downhill from there.  By the next morning we both knew it was a mistake and called it off.   

In the next few weeks, with no place to go, no idea what we were going to do we had to give up to God. I couldn't even tell you all the moving pieces, everything unfolded before us, doors opened and the pathway cleared.  We ended up building a house in a small town, close to work, shopping, family and easy access to highways!  It's been quite an adventure, with its own ups and downs, but I am so excited for us!!

We also became grandparents in 2015!! A beautiful granddaughter in January, a handsome grandson in July and 3 bonus grand kiddos too!!! It has been a fantastic journey and the joy we have felt with our grandkids is immeasurable.  I cannot believe how blessed we are. Grandkids bring you a special kind of joy, you get to just enjoy them, without the parenting pressure, just enjoy their presence.  It's simply amazing.

I have been thinking over my goals in December and will spend the final week, job willing, focusing on them, writing them out and really getting focused for the New Year.  I cannot wait to see how it all unfolds.  So as I am writing this the New Year is just around the corner, new challenges, new adventures, new horizons and new journeys.  My new word for the year is to come. Join me on the journey of 2016.