It's been 19 years

It's hard to believe that it has been 19 years since my brain surgery, 19 years since my life was completely turned upside down and my world as I knew it ended. 19 years since I said goodbye to the person I was, only to say hello to the person that was left a few weeks later. You would think that it would get easier and I guess it does in some aspects, but every year it just hits me differently and this year it's just been more daunting, more emotional, and overwhelming as this day has approached. I can't really explain why except that the last year and a half has probably been one of the hardest personal struggles since that time. I have had a harder time dealing with some of these issues , I've been more frustrated with myself, my inner voice, my determination and abilities over the last 18-19 months than I have over the last 19 years. I often say we make a choice each day on how we feel, no one else gets to make that choice for us and I honestly make a choice each and every day. I have to. I write each night in my gratitude journal to help me stay focused on the good of that day and not let myself wallow in what did not go my way, even if it is as simple as being thankful for my bed to rest in that night. Because no matter what has gone on, I am SO thankful for every day that I have had here on earth the last 19 years.
Tonight I choose to focus on the fact that I am here, alive and well. I am married to a man who loves me and is by my side each day. I have been able to watch my son grow up to be a husband and father himself, which 19 years ago I did not believe I was going to get to see. Another who is married with one kiddo and another on the way, a house that we feel like we are finally at home in. I am surrounded by blessings each and every day. Tonight I just sit and remind myself of those blessing.
I don't share this for anyone to feel sorry for me, please don't. I don't live with regret, blame my past or my struggles. When those thoughts creep into my mind I know that is the devil’s doing and he would gladly watch me self-destruct. I do share because I have many, many friends who have had TBI's (Traumatic Brain Injury), who have fought depression, who have felt they were the only one and who need to know they are not alone. On the days when I just don’t feel like I can or I don’t want to push forward, the days where I am confused or terrified; I remember a couple of things. There is a purpose for my life, God did not put me on this earth without purpose or save me 19 years ago to not have some kind of impact on this world. I am a daughter of the King, he knows every hair on my head and I know he has a purpose for me. I lived to see Michael become a man - 19 years ago, that is all I asked for, I am blessed and I am a survivor. I choose to be happy, I choose to look at the positive in all I can, I choose joy!

This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Psalm 91:2